fuzzyness

I’ve wanted to write this post for some time now. Each time I try, I put it off because I don’t feel ready. I’m glad I’ve put it off till now in many ways, as the reasons for wanting to write it have solidified and matured even further over the last few weeks, to the point where I just have to let it out.

Long story short: I’ve conclusively come to the end of a particular road – career-wise at least. The past couple of years leading up to this point have been pretty soul-destroying. However, the new stretch of road ahead is something I’m dizzily giddy about.

Now, I’m not new to finding myself at these kinds of crossroads. It seems roughly every 6 years or so I find myself having taken a particular career-path as far as I want to take it, before making a radical, cavalier, head-first departure into the unknown. Just for kicks.

The last time this happened was early 2003. I was a primary school teacher, a pretty successful one by all accounts too. One day, I just woke up and decided I didn’t want to do it anymore, handed in my notice that day. And only then did I start figuring out what the hell to do next.

I’m a creative, technology-oriented guy so I plumped for figuring out how to build websites as the next step forward. It seemed like it would be great fun, and for quite a while it was. Learning completely from scratch, over the next 6 years or so I carved out a career, built up my own business, worked from home and enjoyed the freedom that comes from not being shackled to an employer. On the face of it, things are great — I have more work coming in than I can handle, with a roster of very happy clients that I enjoy a good relationship with.

The problem is, I’m not happy.

I want to explain why, but I honestly don’t know where to begin. I’m going to have a crack by starting somewhere, anywhere. None of these reasons in themselves are the cause of my wanting to make such a drastic, radical break, it’s just the sum total of each of them.

Just to note: there’s a very happy, positive new beginning at the end of all this.

The reasons are several…

1. My business model is unsustainable. I only get paid when I’m working. When I’m slogging away at the computer, I get paid. When I’m not working, I don’t. While this is not a shameful way to eke out a living, it’s not something I want to carry on doing forever, especially as I’m supposed to be enjoying at least some level of freedom as a result of being self-employed. Aren’t there supposed to be perks?!

   I feel as if I’m actually less free than an employed worker in many ways — the feeling of being stuck on an unstoppable treadmill is becoming unbearable.

   I’m fed up and burnt out — the tail is now very much wagging the dog.

   I could take on employees, sure, delegate the actual work, become a manager, not a maker. But I just don’t want that. I’ve no qualms about managing people per se, just that I don’t want to be tied into the responsibility for other people which that would entail.

   I want to do something different, something with a more sustainable business model, something smarter, something that would still be earning a passive or residual income, even while I’m not sat at my desk. Something, even, that might be of value to sell on in future.

2. Building websites is futile. I’ve come to the decision that, for me at least, building websites is ultimately unsatisfying and unprofitable, a hiding to nothing.

   No matter how well budgeted, no matter how well planned, no matter how well managed, I’ve grown thoroughly and completely tired of how projects seem to spiral out of control. The worst thing is, much of the time it’s seemingly through nobody’s fault. It just seems to be a fact of the job.

   Don’t get me wrong: I certainly don’t mean to say that all projects I work on always go way over time and way over budget — far from it actually. It’s just the niggly stuff that’s outside of everyone’s control that has built up to the point where the straw has definitely broken this camel’s back.

   The days lost to pissing about fixing browser rendering bugs (I’m looking at you Mr Internet Explorer) that pop from out of nowhere just when you think you’re on the home straight. The hosting issues that mean the site that should have taken 20 minutes to transfer to a client’s server ends up taking 4 days (and counting in one current case). The problems with payment gateway providers who decide on a whim to cancel a client’s account (through no fault of the client), leaving me to take up the considerable slack. The contact form that has worked perfectly for 2 years which now suddenly, and without warning, just decides to stop working.

   It smarts the most when this kind of crap inevitably eats into time I’ve promised to spend with the children, time I’ve promised to spend with family and friends.

   I could go on, and on, and on. It’s enthusiasm-sapping, time-wasting stuff, and I’m really tired of it. I need to find something less futile and more fulfilling.

3. I’ve come to dread client communication. My clients are all lovely people and in many cases good personal friends, please don’t misconstrue. But strongly related to my first 2 points, I’ve come to outright dread opening email, answering the telephone or checking Basecamp, to the point of feeling physically sick sometimes.

   I hate to sound negative, but… there just seems to always be something, every single day — sometimes many things — that result in derailing my entire morning / afternoon / day / week, and pretty much every one of those things begins with an email or call from a client.

   It’s not the client’s fault. Usually. It’ll be a bizarre browser bug. A server issue. A change in Google Maps which has suddenly stopped their map appearing. It might be suggestions for some quite radical and time-consuming changes to the agreed scope which, while always re-costed, contribute to seriously throwing my schedule (and thus my other client’s schedules) totally out of whack.

   It’s really nothing personal, but I want to do something which doesn’t involve working for clients. It’s that simple.

4. I need my fire lighting again. I don’t mind admitting that I’m not afraid to dream. I want to do something exciting. I’m bored with building websites, and the tedious aspects of the process it often entails. I want to work less. I want more time for friends, family, hobbies. I want to be fired up with excitement about something again. I want to simplify, break it all down and dream it all up again. And I intend to.

5. I want to own my creativity. I’m currently paid for being creative (and all that that entails) for somebody else. While this has been great till now, I desperately want to be creative on my own terms. Yes: me, me, me, me. And why not?

   Most designers and developers for hire don’t usually do so, of course, but it strikes me that those who create and make their own stuff (whether that be design, music, painting, writing — whatever) and make a living from it tend to be happier. I certainly feel like I would be anyway, for sure. I want to set my own schedule, take a step further to actually being my own boss, in the truest sense of all that promises.

So what to do?

Once I knew I’d hit the wall, I started casting my net around for ideas. For the last 10 weeks or so I’ve spent around 2 hours every night, simply researching.

At first, there was no form or structure to the research whatsoever. I just brainstormed; tried out different ideas without judging them; read lots and lots and lots of stuff; made copious notes; tore copious amounts of notes up. In the last few weeks the plan has crystallised to the point where I’m now absolutely ready to go over the edge, totally ready to go.

The details are for a future post (this post is long enough already) but I’ll be posting frequently here about what I’ve decided to do and how it’s going. It’s unknown, it’s unproven, with absolutely no guarantee of success whatsoever. I can’t tell you how utterly giddy with excitement I am. I’m 100% happier already.

I won’t be making quite such a drastic all-or-nothing break this time. I’ll still be taking on new client work for the near-to-mid future at least, and will most certainly always look after existing clients. I’m not turning my back on web design completely — in fact my new venture is still web-based anyway. I’ll be running Definition for a good while yet.

For future client projects, however, I’ll be choosing carefully from now on, smaller low-key projects only. And I’ll be protecting my time and attention carefully, maybe around 3 hours per day spent on client work, with the rest of the time dedicated to new things.

I’m busy running down certain aspects of my business that only exist to serve clients: cancelling certain web-based subscription services; cancelling my business landline; cancelling my account with Moneypenny (though that is something I’m sad about losing).

I want to be happier and enjoy a better quality of life. I’ll let you know how I get on :)

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